The Steps of an Unsuccessful Salesperson

I’ve read enough books about how to be a success/make more money/rich dads to make me puke (more on this in step 6.)  So, I thought I would jot down the steps that someone goes through when they’re not a success at their job.  I write this because I have a feeling that many other people have wrestled with the same type of dilemma and steps that followed.  For the most part these steps occur in order, for as long as the drought lasts.

Step 1: Drinking the Kool Aid. I haven’t made a sale, and try and analyze what I’m doing.  I decide that I’m going to go back to my training and say exactly what they teach you about that job.  Phrases like “mitigating cost” (mitigating?  Really?  Where else besides in business speak does this work get used so often?) “robust productivity” or “low hanging fruit” were made fun of before, but as I witness other people making sales using these terms, I decide that what the hell, maybe it will work for me.  Sounding like a douche is a small price to pay for higher commissions.

Step 2: I Just Gotta Be Me.  Using the company buzzwords don’t seem to be working, forget it.  I’m just going to drop the act and be completely authentic in front of a client.  No salesy attitude, no charades, I’m just going to lay it out there, and if they see me as a real person then they’ll work with me.  It sounds like this: “look, here’s what we can do.  If you think it’s going to help your company¸ let’s do this.  If it’s not then I’ll pack up my briefcase and you won’t hear from me again.”  This is followed by slow, long drives back to the office, so I can take in my surroundings, smell the roses, etc.  No hurry, no worry because I'm just being myself.  Clients would want to someone that’s not trying pull a fast one on them, so I’m sure this will get things going.

Step 3: Double My Energy: Apparently clients don’t like to be shot straight and hear from authentic people, therefore I am upbeat.  I am a ball of fire.  People will want to circle around me like the moons around Saturn because of my positive vibes and happiness.  Inertia: A body in motion tends to stay in motion, therefore I am moving.  I achieve this through heavy caffeine doses throughout the day.  A double espresso at 7 am.  Two cups of coffee at 9 a.m.  A 5 Hour Energy at 1, Red Bull at 3.  My voice is loud, clients are cheered up by my clapping and wild anecdotes.  They can almost smell my positivity (and probably the weird, jet-fueled sweat that’s coming out of my pores.)  When I high five them to end my presentation I KNOW they are going to sign my contract.

Step 4: WWDDD: Which is short for ‘What would Don Draper do?” The Mad Men character is brooding and thoughtful, and he gets results.  I gather that he gets this way through scotch, and therefore begin drinking it the minute I get home, still in my suit, while staring at the wall.  My hair has pomade in it, and I have a constant hangover.   Hangovers allow me a higher level of thinking, and I feel like I’m floating when I’m on a meeting (or am I under water?  I can’t tell which one…and I can’t tell if this is a good thing.) Icy stares and long pauses let clients know that I’m serious, and they realize that they better trust me or lose out on something big.

Step 5: Monkish living: People don’t trust Don Draper if he looks like I look.  Pale, haggard and bloodshot eyes don’t inspire people to buy.  I need to be a picture of health and vitality, and scotch and coffee aren’t doing it.  Therefore I meditate in the mornings, followed by a handful of blueberries (high anti-oxidants) and oatmeal (fiber) with walnuts (healthy fats.)  I drink green tea and filtered water, salads with dried fruits & lentils.  I attend spin class & yoga on alternating days.  A smoothie at dinner with farm fresh ingrediants.  My product should be viewed as something that’s going to make people feel good, therefore I will be feeling good.  My resting heart rate of 50 means that I have no nervous ticks when describing the virtues of buying from me.  This will work.

Step 6: Be the smartest person in the room: I’ve learned that this perfect health comes at a cost-it’s a full time job.  My afternoon naps in the car aren’t allowing me to actually meet with people.  Planning my meals and shopping for superfoods happens on company time, and I’m not actually doing anything at work.  Therefore I strive to pack my head with knowledge.  I wake up early to read the Wall Street Journal every morning, and every meal is accompanied by a business book.  I twitter the NY Times and have the latest feeds.  People are loving my views on the economy, environment, and how it will impact their business.  How can they not love a company that hires someone like me, so full of information?  They will buy.

Step 7 Put up or Shut Up: All this knowledge is great on a meeting, I have in depth philosophical discussions with my clients.  After these discussions, I’ve realized that I have no time to tell them why I am here though.  When I have this much to share, I do it…and don’t tell them about what I’m selling. Enough is enough, these are dire straits, and I tell anyone who will listen that it is.  I’m watching movie clips: Glen Gary Glen Ross, Boiler Room, etc.  I know that ‘always be closing’ needs to be a way of life, and this desperation will propel me to success.  I slam my fist on the table if a client refused to meet.  I pace the office rubbing my temples, showing my concentration & concern.  Veins appear in my temple.  Something MUST happen…

Step 8: ...Play the Lotto: I’m not going to make it rich by selling things, f#^* it.  Super Lotto Plus is up to 8 Million, and they pick their numbers on Wednesday nights, and the Mega Millions is drawn on Saturdays.  It’s up to 75 MM!  My focus is on my lucky numbers, and I spend my days looking for meanings that I see.  Arrive at work at 8:15?  Add it to my lucky numbers.  I'm ticket number 56 at Chipotle?  Here we go.   Somebody's gotta win, might as well be me.

There weren’t any classes that dealt with this in Graduate school, and certainly it wasn’t part of my sales training.  Luckily I can take a step back and laugh at myself when I realize how my “strategies” have fared (after the fact, of course.)